The Art of Empty Nesting

Steve and I are exactly 10 years past the "the last time a child spent his summers at home."  At first, it felt as though our reason to be had been surgically removed. It wasn't gradual. They just stopped coming home. But, ever so slowly, we began to fill the minutes, the hours, the months and then years. We've practiced the craft of being just a couple again for such a long time that I feel that I can now call it an art. There is a way to approach the absence of children that it becomes a thing of beauty. Some couples never find a rhythm to a life together after children; we are dancing to it. Our sons were not easy or hard to parent. We had some bumps, "you are the worst parents I know," "stop breathing over me so much," "uh, Mom and Dad, I need tell you something," "I'm not going to get a job, I'm going to start my own business." (What we didn't know is that this son probably didn't go to class much either.) This young man went out and launched a very successful business.

As many parents are spending this time after graduation with a young adult--perhaps the first of several summers with a 'being who is bursting to break away'--it seems appropriate to offer some thoughts about making the most of this precious time in your lives. I offer my Top Ten List for Surviving an Empty Nest:

10. Know that the pain of an empty place at your table, over time, gradually subsides.

9.  It's okay to spend the first month after a child leaves talking to owls and inanimate objects. Just realize that they will not take out your trash just because you ask them. But, you've already had practice with this kind of rejection!

8. Spend some time getting to know yourself again before you use your spouse as the substitute child. Nag yourself instead.

7. Sign up for something you never thought you would do, like cosmetology school. Nothing is off the table; just move your 'arse.'

6. Surprise your spouse or partner with a side of you that he may have never seen or forgotten you have. "Hey, Bill, (even giving him a new name works-it adds to the mystery and, for a moment, jars him into the thought that he might get to have a legitimate affair or that you really could be losing your mind), I got this today at Victoria's Secret. Want to give it a test drive?"

5. Fill your life with activity that you do together. It's wonderful to find new and separate interests. But, if you don't nurture 'the couple,' it will disappear like your child.

4. And speaking of children, where are yours? You know the ones. The girl who likes to make jam sandwiches and serve imaginary tea to her stuffed bears, under the weeping willow down the street. The boy who likes to dress up like a cowboy and shoot it out with everyone.  Find ways to invite these characters to play again.

3. Behold the moments--the ones where it's quiet in the house, you just brewed some coffee, and it's the two of you alone, sitting in your favorite chairs, reading the newspaper. It's the being together, in a place of ease, your minds in a state of flow, sharing time with a comforting companion. It's why some churches call marriage a sacrament; the quiet times when words are just more noise, are spaces that nourish the soul.

2. Don't feel compelled to replace a pet that lived a long and graceful life as a member of your family. You can stroke your spouse, when the need arises. And on occasion, feed him a treat and take him for a walk around the block.

1. Allow the last month of summer with your graduate to be one where you just watch. Don't talk a lot. Give him some space; unclench your jaw, your hands, your arms. Just observe and let go of holding on. There's a reason that ships are launched with champagne. The excellent adventure is about to begin. Your child is exhilarated; you can be, too. Know that you did all that you could. It's her turn at bat. She just might hit a homerun. And if she doesn't, you will hear from her again.

Steve and Stephanie Chambers are partners in life and work together in the architectural practice of Stephen B. Chambers Architects, Inc.