Take a Bite Out of Stress …

It was a beautiful midsummer's night on the patio of an Italian restaurant on the Hill in Saint Louis. We were celebrating my mother's 79th birthday. The dinner was fantastic; we had our fill of locally grown fresh green salad, whole grain penne with a homemade marinara sauce and a perfectly cooked piece of Dover sole. Everyone seemed content, until my teenage son looked at his plate and screamed.

My mother continued eating calmly. My daughter was laughing. I was still in the dark.

Then, my son held up a tooth. Assuming he had lost a tooth at the dinner table, my thoughts turned to a never-ending slew of costly orthodontist visits. Turns out that the tooth was not his, but had been placed there by his grandmother. I realized the tooth wasn't the real problem I had on my plate. At that moment my Dover sole transformed into the first of many meals in the Sandwich Generation. I found myself "sandwiched" between taking care of my aging mother and the raising of my almost grown children. The tooth was the first sign of my mother's problems; just as my son's immature reaction was evidence of his. My seat between the two was indicative of the future stress I would deal with in this new phase of life.

Every few weeks my mother would have a new experience - a fall, a trip to the hospital, forgetting daily activities - spiraling deeper into dementia. My son would be the normal teenager - falling to peer pressure, questioning authority, and confident that he had all the answers. The plan for each day never went as expected, and many tasks remained undone. At some point, I had to deal with stress.

There are many ways to de-stress, from cutting back on caffeine to meditation, but here are three simple habits that saved my sanity and helped me maintain some balance in my life and overall health.

First, add "self - care" to your daily routine. This can mean different things to different people; basically do something every day to take good care of you. I set my alarm clock for one hour earlier than usual and used that extra hour in the morning for ME (a life-enhancing acronym I was introduced to by one of my teachers, Victoria Moran, author of Living a Charmed Life). ME stands for meditation and exercise, which I do by taking a casual walk around my neighborhood or stretching on the floor of my bedroom as soon as I awaken. For you it may be ending the day with a hot bath, getting regular massages or anything else you need to feel better about yourself every day. If you feel good about yourself you can better handle the stress that life can throw your way.

Second, adopt "realistic expectations". Change expectations of yourself and others. You cannot control everything in your world, but you can control what you think. Do not expect more of yourself or others than is necessary to get a task done. I had to adopt a more realistic mind-set as to how much my family can do to help my mother through her next few years. Knowing that my family all want what is best for my mother, we need to support each other in that goal, giving added support to the family member who is shouldering that responsibility on a daily basis. This approach has reduced stress for me and lessened the stress of other family members too. When your expectations are realistic, you'll be much happier.

Third, find the laughter in your situation. Humor can get you through almost any stressful situation. I can thank my father for this bit of wisdom. He taught us never to take life too seriously, because as he would remind us, "no one gets out alive". According to the Canadian Journal of Continuing Medical Education laughter is a stress reducer, an antidote to upset and a tension reliever. Laughter truly is the best medicine.

These three changes helped me deal with the stresses of an aging parent while raising teenage children. Take care of yourself, maintain realistic expectations, and choose to laugh when you can. Then, you can take a bite out of stress!